


The Hidden Pain

by anxiousravenclaw



Series: Lost Loki [3]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Brother Feels, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, F/M, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Innocent Loki, Loki and Thor are related, Loki is not adopted, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Poor Loki (Marvel), Protective Thor (Marvel), Rape Aftermath, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-10 10:54:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14735627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousravenclaw/pseuds/anxiousravenclaw
Summary: Loki tries to forget and Thor and their parents worry for him and his well-being.





	The Hidden Pain

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't name Loki's rapist in this fic since I didn't really have anyone in mind when I wrote this so feel free to imagine it to be whoever you will like since I didn't describe him either and hopefully you're all liking this series, it's almost over.

Loki's rapist was sentenced to four years, which Odin and Frigga angrily fought against and constantly tried to get a longer sentence as they thought that four years was not nearly enough for what he had done to their son. That was two years ago and they were still fighting for a longer prison sentence for that rapist and pedophile.

Thor had started college shortly after the trial, but he didn't live on campus like he had originally thought of doing. The college he was going to was close enough that he could easily drive there so he decided to stay home, closer to Loki, which proved to be a necessity. Loki hadn't been the same since the trial. After the talk in the bathroom with Thor, when he had told him that he couldn't deal with what happened to him, Loki had begun to distance himself from everyone. 

He would stay shut up in his room and hardly ate for the first few weeks after the trial to the point where he was taken back to the hospital by their mother who was worried that Loki was starving himself. They had kept Loki in the hospital for a week until he swore to start eating again, which he must have since he was gaining back the weight he lost, but he never ate with them from then on. Loki had also refused to go back to school, he seemed unwilling to be in a huge crowd of people and he would tremble just at the thought. So they had hired a female tutor which Loki had been fine with and caused no problems with.

They had also noticed how Loki seemed to wear nothing but long sleeves and baggy sweaters, but their parents thought nothing of it. They assumed it was just a part of Loki's need to hide. But Thor noticed how he always seemed to keep covered even when it was unbearably hot. He noticed how Loki always seemed to make sure his sleeves never slipped down or how he kept his arms close to himself. He noticed how Loki would sometimes wince or hiss or flinch a little when someone made to grab at his arms or when he moved them in a certain way. Suspicious Thor had cornered Loki and, ignoring his slightly panicked cries and tiny fists, he had pulled up the sleeve of the black hoodie Loki had been wearing around the house and his eyes widened at the sight. On Loki's pale arms were several horizontal cuts crisscrossing his skin. Some had scared into pink or white, shiny, lines, some were still healing, and some were still red and fresh.

Loki had pulled free from Thor and had kicked him as hard as he could on his ankle before running off to his room. Thor hissed and chased after Loki, they were home alone at the moment. Loki had locked his bedroom door and Thor had been banging on it and yelling to Loki to open. It wasn't until he had threatened to tell their parents about the cuts that Loki had finally opened the door looking small and meek, his green eyes shining and his shoulders slumped.

"Why would you do that to yourself?" Thor had asked, trying to keep the anger, worry, and fear out of his voice. They were sitting on Loki's bed with a good bit of distance between themselves. Loki had shrugged and was pulling at the sleeves of his sweater. "Loki."

"I don't know," Loki muttered, "it helps."

_"How?"_

"It gives me something else to focus on, to deal with. A pain I have control over and a pain I know how to deal with. It gives me a sense of control over my body again and when the memories come back and they're too much cutting helps cut those memories off, it distracts me."

"But you're  _hurting_ yourself Loki. There must be another way to help you."

Loki shrugged and muttered, "Maybe I deserve to be hurt for what I let happen. For not fighting enough."

"Loki, I can't let you continue hurting yourself like this, I can't. I have to tell mom and dad, maybe they can find you some help." Thor suggested.

"NO!" Loki shouted and got up from the bed and stepping away from Thor, glaring angrily at him. "You promised not to say a word to them!"

"You're _cutting_ yourself! You need help! You need to deal with this!" Thor shouted back but stayed seated on the bed so he wouldn't accidentally intimidate Loki.

"No! They'll make me talk about it and they finally stopped." Loki ran his hands roughly through his hair and gripped at it tightly, his teeth clenched together. "The bruises are gone and mother no longer winces when she see's them, she doesn't ask me everyday how I'm feeling or if I want to talk about it. Father doesn't ask me about it either anymore or if I want to take self defense classes. They've finally stopped worrying about me and this, this will make them take me back to the hospital where they'll either make me talk or lock me up somewhere! You can't tell them Thor!"

"Then you have to stop cutting yourself right now, Loki, or I will tell them." Thor warned.

"But it's what's helping me!" Loki protested.

"Then find something else or I'll tell mom and dad and they'll get you help." Thor said and stormed out. He winced when he heard Loki shout and a loud thud, but he didn't turn back. It will prove to be a mistake.

<><><><>

Loki had stopped talking, not just to Thor, but to everyone. He would ignore his parents questions. He would ignore anyone visiting when they asked questions of his. He no longer spent time with his mother or went with his father for drives or to his office to study while he worked. When Fandral and Thor's other friends came to visit and asked how he was Loki would sneer and stay quiet. And no amount of pleading from his older brother could get Loki to speak to him. He also started spending more time away from the house, though he would return before it got too dark, and ignored all questions asking of his whereabouts. He would only speak to his private tutor, but only about schoolwork. 

Thor was riddled with guilt and no amount of comfort Jane or his friends tried to give him would help. Loki had actually been doing okay and was at least talking and seeming almost like his old self before Thor had confronted him about the cutting. That had only made him worse and now Loki truly seemed to hate him and now his parents were hurt by Loki's coldness as well. And he had no idea if Loki was still cutting himself and he was too frightened to confront him about it in case it truly drove Loki's hatred to him even further.

"Thor, you can't blame yourself for any of this. Loki's just being a common sully teenager." Jane said as she rubbed his shoulder soothingly. Thor hadn't told her that Loki had been raped, he couldn't, it wasn't something for him to tell. But Jane did know that Loki had been attacked somehow, but she thought it wasn't what was behind Loki's recent behavior and he didn't feel like talking about it with her.

"Maybe if I just give him some time he'll be okay." Thor muttered.

"You're probably right, now come on, finals are next week and we gotta study." Jane said and went back to her books. Thor did his best not to snap at her and reluctantly went back to studying.

<><><><>

A few months after Loki had turned fifteen and after Thor had just recently turned nineteen Odin and Frigga started to notice that the alcohol around the house was starting to disappear. They had confronted Thor about it since he was currently in college but he swore he didn't take any so they let it go, for now. 

Thor waited until it was just him and Loki at home alone and opened Loki's door to find him lying on his bed with an arm thrown over his eyes.

"You're the one who's been taking the alcohol haven't you Loki?" Thor asked as he approached Loki and smacked his arm away from his face.

"What is your problem now?" Loki huffed annoyed.

"The  _alcohol_. You've been taking them, haven't you?"

"Oh, that," Loki lifted himself in his elbows and looked up at Thor under hooded eyes, "yeah I took them."

Thor let out an exasperated groan. "Are you serious?"

"What? You told me to find something else to help." Loki slurred his words a little.

"Are you  _drunk_?"

"No... I'm hungover."

_"Loki!"_

_"What!?"_

"You can't drink! Where are you even drinking and with who?" Thor asks, crossing his arms.

"No one and I drink around the neighborhood where no one can see me. Don't worry I'm fine." Loki settles back on the bed and closes his eyes.

"You are the exact opposite of fine, Loki."

"Well I'm dealing with it."

"This isn't  _dealing_ with it, this is  _hiding_ from it."

"And that's how I'm dealing with it,  _Thor_. And don't you _dare_ try and tell me to stop. This is  _my_ life and I'm the one who's going through this and I don't want to talk about it." Loki snapped at him, opening his eyes and glaring at him.

"Can, can you at least promise me to be careful and call me if you need help. I don't want you wandering around in the dark on your own and try to at least not get drunk so much. Can you promise me that?" Thor asked him, dropping his arms to his side.

"Fine, if it'll get you to leave me alone." Loki answered and curled up on the bed and closed his eyes, falling asleep.

<><><><>

Jane was annoyed. She had applied to be part of the transfer student program over in London and she had been accepted. She was due to leave for London in a few weeks and she wanted to spend all the time she could with Thor and Thor alone.

She was sitting in the passenger seat of Thor's car, her arm resting on the edge and her chin resting on her hand as she stared out the window annoyed. They had been on their way to the movies when Thor had gotten a call from his little brother, again. Apparently Loki was drunk and he needed a ride home, again, and Thor had immediately called of their date and had gone to pick up his brother without even asking Jane if she was okay with it. Now they were driving back with a past out Loki, smelling of booze, in the backseat. 

"Jane, if you can distract my parents I should be able to sneak Loki up to his room by the backdoor." Thor whispered as to not wake Loki.

"Or maybe," Jane snapped, "we  _let_ Loki get caught and maybe then his fifteen year old ass will stop drinking, we're not even drinking Thor. So why is he? And why do you keep covering for him? You know this is bad."

"I know, but I made Loki promise me to at least call me when he needed me, luckily he has no desire to stay out drinking."

"That's not an answer, Thor."

"I can't explain, okay? I  _don't_ want Loki to drink, he's too young for that, but I can't make him stop either."

"Why not?"

"I can't tell you."

Jane groaned exasperated. "Then let him get caught! Let your parents deal with it! He's been calling you nearly every other day these past two weeks alone! When is it going to be too much for you?"

"It already is but I won't abandon my brother again and I can't tell my parents or let him get caught. They'll want to talk to him and that's what he doesn't want and I, I can't let him down again." Thor said quietly.

"It can't possibly be that bad, Thor." Jane insisted.

"It is."

"Well, it isn't your problem."

"It was  _my_ fault. I didn't watch over him, I didn't protect him. I don't think him trying to hide from it or dealing with it by drowning it under alcohol is the right way to do it, but it's what he wants and I don't want him to hate me anymore then he already does." Thor gripped the steering wheel tightly in his hands and Jane saw his jaw clench from emotion.

"Still..."

They heard a low groan from the backseat and they both turned to look behind, although Thor quickly looked back at the road in front, and saw that Loki was slowly coming to.

"What's with all the noise?" Loki groaned.

"What's with all the alcohol no doubt poisoning your liver?" Jane asked sarcastically.

"Oh great, you're still here." Loki answered waspishly and turned around in the seat to face away from Jane.

_"Excuse me?"_

"Loki."

"Shut up! My head is killing me." Loki moaned and gripped his head.

"Then maybe you should stop drinking." Jane suggested.

"Maybe you should shut up," Loki snapped and groaned quietly, "oh fuck, I think I'm gonna throw up."

Thor quickly pulled over and Loki had forced the door open and exited the car to go throw up over the side of the road while Jane grimaced in disgust and Thor stepped out to rub Loki's back soothingly and to hand him some water while he was done.

"Unbelievable." Jane muttered as she stayed in the car.  _Thor is coddling that manipulative little drunk_ , Jane thought slightly bitterly.

<><><><>

Loki, who was now sixteen, still continued to struggle with drinking and both he and Thor, who was almost twenty, still managed to keep it hidden from his parents, despite the fact that they were starting to suspect and worry when Loki kept getting sick and complaining of headaches and strong scents. Loki also would still occasionally cut himself and kept it well hidden from Thor by cutting on his legs instead of his arms. He was also going through periods were he felt a bit lethargic and numb, like he was just going through the motions and not really caring about anything. He also started thinking more of death, wondering what'll happen if he were just to disappear, if maybe then he would find some peace from the memories that wouldn't leave him alone no matter how much he drank or cut. 

It was on one of the rare evenings when it was just Loki and his parents home, Thor was at a class, and they were watching the evening news that Loki had finally cracked.

Frigga had managed to coaxed Loki to spend the evening with them, he didn't really care, it was one of his numb days, and he was eating a bowl of ice cream, just to have something to do with his hands.

**_"In related news, *******, a known and registered sex offender and molester, was just informed that he would be released from jail for good behavior. He was originally sentenced to four years after sneaking into a party where he had attacked the only minor at the party, a fourteen year old boy. The boy's parents had been trying for these past two years to get his sentence extended but now it is being shortened, no doubt the parents will be furious. The man in question will be registering once again as a sex offender and he is not required to be within a hundred feet of schools, parks, or anywhere children will be present....."_ **

Loki had frozen when he had heard his news. He heard his mother crying out and briefly felt her hand on his knee, but he had flinched and she had pulled it back. He heard his father exclaim angrily that he was going to call his lawyer again and see if there was anything they could do to stop this. It was all white noise to Loki as he could only focus on his fast beating heart and the growing panic in his belly. No. He was going to be let out. He was going to come back for Loki. To finish what Thor and Fandral had interrupted. Loki knew it, he knew he was going to come back, he just did. Loki couldn't let him, he couldn't let that happen. He didn't want to fall into his hands again, never again!

"Loki!" He heard both his parents shout, but he ignored them both as he ran out the door, he needed to escape. He needed to escape from all of it.

<><><><>

Thor had just finished his class and was packing his stuff away to go meet Jane and Hogun to grab a bite to eat when he felt his phone vibrating. He saw that it was his mother and he answered and felt his heart plummet when he heard the panic in her voice.

_"Thor, darling Loki ran out of the house."_

"What, why?" Thor asked getting up and stepping out of his classroom.

_"We were watching the news, they, they said that that horrid man that had hurt Loki was being released early and Loki he- he just ran out the house. Your father and I are driving around trying to find him, I'm worried, he looked panicked and desperate. Thor, sweetheart, please help us look for your brother, I'm worried he'll do something dangerous."_

"Don't worry, I'll look for him and I'll find him." Thor promised, Jane would be pissed at him, but Loki mattered more.

<><><><>

Loki was wandering along the dark streets, numbly, with no particular path. He had rolled up the sleeve of his left arm and blood was dripping down slowly from the newly fresh cuts Loki had, he had found his razor in his back pocket. He had no idea how many times he had cut himself, but it gave him a numbing clarity. It was over. Everything was over. Loki had been so foolish, to think that he was safe, that he wouldn't get out, that he would leave him alone. No, he was always going to come after him, his body was no longer his own, it belonged to his rapist and he would come back to claim ownership over it again. He couldn't let that happen, he couldn't go through that again. He had to end this and he only saw one way out of this.

He heard his phone going off again and he pulled it out and, without looking at the screen, threw it to his right and turned when he heard it hit water. Water. He was walking on the bridge, the bridge that stood over the river with choppy waters. Loki headed over to the edge, aware that his left hand was covered in his dripping blood, and peered over the edge, it was a sheer drop. And, Loki thought somewhat relieved, it might be enough to kill him.

Yes. That was the only way to escape this nightmare. It had been the answer since that stupid party but it took him this long to figure it out, to accept it. Only death could give him relief and an escape from this nightmare. He welcomed the idea of it and he smiled a little as he thought that, at last, this whole nightmare would be coming to an end. Loki started climbing over the edge, gripping it tightly, and swung his legs over the edge, sitting there. He closed his eyes and relished the feel of the cool air one last time. This wouldn't be such a bad way to die. He felt a tiny pang of remorse for his parents when they no doubt heard the news, when his lifeless body will wash up for them to bury or cremate, he didn't really care which. But he welcomed the peace death would bring him. 

He moved his legs down so he was now standing on the outer edge of the bridge. All he had to do was let go and it would all, finally, be over. He took in a final, deep breath and moved his eyes up to see the stars one last time. He vaguely heard the screech of tires behind him, but he paid no notice to the noise, he was at peace. Until he heard his panicked brother's voice.

"Loki! What are you doing!? Get down from there!"

Loki turned back and he felt himself tense. No, Thor was going to ruin this for him!

"Go away Thor!" Loki shouted back and he was confused by the panic in his own voice. Where was that panic coming from?

"Loki, damn it! Don't do this! Please!" Thor was moving towards where Loki stood over the bridge's outer edge and Loki tensed even more.

"Stay the fuck away from me Thor!" Loki shouted, he felt tears brimming in the corner of his eyes.

"Loki, please, listen to me," Thor said calmly as he inched closer and closer to Loki, "you don't have to do this. It doesn't have to end like this, okay? I'm here for you and I will protect you."

"Lies!" Loki cried. "You won't be there! You won't be there when he comes back for me! I'll be alone and he'll find me and he'll rape me again and it'll never end! I want it to end, I want to die, Thor!"

"He won't get to you Loki! Never again! Don't die! You don't need to die to escape from him. Please Loki, don't throw your life away! Just climb back over the edge, I'm here for you, I always will be from now on." Thor was edging closer and Loki shook his head violently, losing his balance slightly and slipping a little. 

"Loki!" Thor rushed forward and grabbed the back of Loki's hoodie and his upper arm. Loki trashed in his hold and Thor used all his strength to hold on to his brother, refusing to let him fall.

"No! No, let me go! I want to go over! I want to die, I want to die!" Loki cried and trashed and felt himself panicking as he felt Thor pulling him back over the bridge's edge.

"I've got you, I've got you." Thor muttered as he pulled Loki close to him, sounding slightly choked up and Loki merely felt defeated.

"No." Loki whimpered. Thor clenched his teeth together as he finally pulled Loki back over and collapsed on his knees, holding tightly to a limp Loki. He heard a car approaching and his parents crying out Loki's name.

"No," Loki moaned weakly and punched at Thor's chest and that's when Thor noticed the blood on Loki's pale arm and the deep looking cut on his left wrist, "I want to die..."

"Loki, darling." Frigga cried as she knelt beside Thor and Loki, tears running down her cheeks as Odin called for an ambulance, he too noticing the blood on Loki's arm. 

"I want it to end!" Loki cried into Thor's arms. Thor simply held his little brother close, willing him not to leave him.


End file.
